The Decision that Questioned the Purpose of my Existence

Dear Self,

When, if ever, is it right for me to follow my heart rather than follow the current of logic?
Is the desire of my heart reason enough to say ‘yes’?

While accepting a tutoring position seemed like a simple answer I saw all the lives that were impacted by my decision.  It wasn’t a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer for me.  Thankfully, it wasn’t a life or death decision, either.  But it was an expensive or costly decision in the realm of passion and purpose.  It was a decision that questioned the purpose of my existence.

Settling on a decision I forced me to fully understand the purpose of my existence, which lead me to ask even more questions, including:  Why am I here? and What am I supposed to accomplish?  Eventually I concluded that, I am here to bring God glory and equip and encourage others to bring God glory, too.  

Ultimately, this life is not my own.  God paid a price for me.  And although I belong to Christ, He has given me every freedom imaginable, including the freedom to make my own decisions.  In decisions like this, freedom to choose is a gift I would rather return.  But it is mine, along with the discernment and mentors He has also provided.  

Some might see this as God dropping you off in the middle of a dessert with a compass, map, and canteen of water, and departing with a careless, “see ya later.”  While I didn’t want to choose which sandy horizon to set out toward I saw that God has brought me to the next leg of my journey in becoming who He needed me to be and provided me with everything I needed to navigate.  

Before I could choose my sandy horizon, however, I wrestled with whether or not my heart could be trusted enough to follow.  Logic said, “don’t tutor.”  My sister and my heart were in unison, “do it.”  My mentors said, “it’s risky.”  While my heart cried, “how can you not?”  My friend said, ‘no.’  But my heart screamed, “yes.”  

So I asked myself, Is the desire of my heart reason enough to say ‘yes’?

Many tears later, I decided that does God put desires in our hearts.  As long as my desire does not conflict with His purpose for me and my mentors do not raise red flags I can proceed with passion.  In the end, it’s like a compass.   It always points due north.  The little arrow swivels and I proceed accordingly.  Once I’ve discerned that my desire is not in conflict with God I’m following the pull God puts on my heart, rather than my heart.  Following your heart comes down to discerning whether you are pursuing a whim or a desire from Him.

Tessa Afshar put it this way in her book Land of Silence:

I am learning that obedience to God means that you do not put your eyes on your longings, but instead you simply place one foot ahead of the other into the space that the Lord opens.

So, I chose my sandy horizon.  I determined fulfill the purpose of my existence of bringing God glory wether or not it was logical.   And with a deep breath I placed my foot into the space the Lord had opened.

Simply,

Sisi

PC: Scout Mob

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